notes on: YEAR IN REVIEW [music]

MEDIUM: Music 

TRACKS: 30

YEAR: 2022

I often say that I could enjoy a stroll through hell if I was given the right soundtrack and that sounds like an apt description of my 2022. Even though I dealt with a steady stream of trials and tribulations, great music illuminated some shitty times and smoothed them over and over again until the memory was more music than moment. Music is an experience for me that transcends any real type of description. It always bleeds into abstractions and emotions and other stuff that I can’t quantify yet. This piece is an expression of three key ideas: I love music, I love music, I love music. 

I painstakingly raked through the thousands of songs I listened to this year with a fine tooth comb and selected 30 songs, limiting it to one per artist, that dropped in 2022 that were exceedingly important to me. Obviously I’m leaving off a ton of songs, here is a short list of honorable mentions: “Walkin” by Denzel Curry, “Blow Me” by Rico Nasty, “God Did” by Jay Z, “Dreamin Of The Past” by Pusha T, “How does it feel” by S.U.R.F. & Z6Saint, “Metro Spider'' by Metro Boomin, “Heatwave” by Raury, “Persuasive” by Doechii, “2010” by Earl Sweatshirt, “Higher” by Ravyn Lenae, “Down In Atlanta” by Pharell Williams & Travis Scott, “Danger” by Lil Baby, “Home (Remix)” by Mike Dimes featuring JID, “No Woman No Cry” by Tems, “History” by 070 Shake, and many more. 

Make sure you take the time to check out the full project of all these projects listed. With no further ado, here is the year in review. 

-

 FREE YSL: “Missing Me” by Gunna [DS4EVER] 

The fourth and final installment in Gunna’s “Drip Season” dropped at the top of the year and it completely took over my 2022 Spotify Wrapped with 3 of my top 5 songs of the year being from DS4EVER. Surprisingly though, “Missing Me,”  was not one of those 3 songs. “Missing Me” is a melodic recollection of days long gone and bonds we can’t get back. Gunna mourns a relationship that went by the wayside while celebrating the celebrity, wealth, and status that took its place. There’s an emptiness in his celebration though. He says he hopes she noticed him but he really hopes she’s missing him too. 

After the wrongful incarceration of Sergio Kitchens (not Gunna) for a large chunk of this year, it felt right that this would be the song, because music missed him. 

A Nostalgic Future: “Is There Someone Else” by The Weeknd [Dawn FM]

The Weeknd has allowed himself to be completely consumed by his personas in recent years and his newest offering, Dawn FM, was no different. The persona this time was a grizzled old man, living in the future but nostalgic of the past and sonically, the project was no different. Dawn FM is nostalgic of 80s tech synth radio while afrofuturistic at the same time. The Weeknd’s usual haunting and melancholic vocals found a home with this sound.  “Is There Someone Else” is where all those elements come together most perfectly on the album for me. To be corny, this song is like if “Who Is He (And What Is He to You)?” by Bill Withers grew up on the planet Lovetron instead of Earth. 

Floating in the Sky: “A Simpler Time” by Saba feat. Mereba [Few Good Things] 

Few Good Things is a beautiful album about coming to terms with what you have and recognizing the beauty in it. Saba and Mereba look back at their life in “A Simpler Time” and they see that the happiness they were searching for was always there, even in the little moments. There is both a dichotomy and a unity in their use of trains and planes as images. Happiness lives on both, whether you’re in the sky or earthbound. The melody is seraphic, the slow bubbling beat paired with their soft vocals feels like floating.  

I dream of Megan: “Plan B” by Megan Thee Stallion [Traumazine] 

This rambunctious ass track feels like the exact lane Megan Thee Stallion should be in. If I had a dream of a meg song, this would be it. Her flow is steady, the punchline laden bars hit hard, her cadence is cool, and the beat supports the power in her voice perfectly. “Plan B” has a 90s vibe to it, partially due to its sample of Jodeci’s “Freek ‘N You.” I just feel like she had some shit to get off her chest on this song and she’s talking that shit it to the highest degree. She’s raucous, tough, sexy, profane, confident, funny, sultry, and even vulnerable here. No bra, tight tees, slickback ponytail, feeling like I’m Ice-T. 

Long Found Love: Give You The World by Steve Lacy [Gemini Rights]

Steve Lacy blew the fuck up this year with the release of Gemini Rights and the explosion of “Bad Habit” on social media. I’ve watched Steve Lacy grow up, or I guess I should say I grew up with him over the past near-decade. He dropped a no-skipper and choosing just one song was one of the hardest things I had to do for this project but I feel like the last track was the right decision. “Give You The World” makes me smile, cry, fall, and fly every time I hear it. He slows the tempo down several notches from the rest of the project and as far as sequencing, it follows a voice saying “This, this, this is Love! I finally found it!” at the end of “Sunshine.” “Give You The World” feels like an expression of long found love. I’m not anxious, I’ll tell the truth. 

Building a world: “EAST POINT PRAYER” by Vince Staples feat. Lil Baby [Ramona Park Broke My Heart] 

Location tracks always feel like the creation of a world rather than just a song and I’m biased to anything that’s recreating Atlanta and putting it on a worldwide platform. On a project that’s largely a love letter to Vince Staples’ native Long Beach, “East Point Prayer” is one of the slower offerings. This causes an interesting dynamic with Lil Baby who usually raps over faster beats. Lil Baby rarely misses in my book but I love that he was provided an opportunity to showcase his versatility and he did it well.  

cold: “Spread Thin” by Mariah The Scientist [The Intermission] 

The first note on “Spread Thin” should raise the hair on the back of neck to the roof and send a shiver down your spine, and if it doesn’t, you need to get your pulse checked. The track features Mariah The Scientist’s usual blend of talking and singing coupled with her immaculate lyricism but it’s done perfectly here. More than anything else, it’s a complete earworm. It gets nestled in there and it can’t get out. So you just have chills all damn day. When The Intermission dropped I was pulling an all-nighter because I had an early morning flight back to Atlanta. I cried alone on the train to the airport to this song. The other three songs on the EP were almost equally strong but “Spread Thin” gets the nod for me off the strength of that alone. The song went on to achieve some virality due to a not-so-good TikTok trend. 

feeling like a winner: “PUFFIN ON ZOOTIEZ” by Future [I NEVER LIKED YOU] 

The magic of Future is that most songs feel like a victory lap and he tells you about it in such a decadent and detailed manner that you feel like you’re winning with him. I really just like how much of a winner this song makes me feel like.

Succinct and Distinct: “Do You Miss Me” by PinkPatheress [Take Me Home] 

Soft and fun but somehow painful at the same time? I feel like PinkPantheress has a strong grasp on herself, her fanbase, and her art. The music is succinct and distinct, I can’t wait to see where her sound continues to go from here. 

Maybe The Greatest Song I’ve Ever Heard?: “VIRGO’S GROOVE” by Beyoncé [Renaissance] 

When Beyoncé first dropped Renaissance, I got a few messages asking me to dissect the album and share some of my thoughts about it. While I thought the album was a complete triumph and a sonic beauty, I didn’t feel like I was informed enough on her influences on the project to do it justice in my analysis. It was so far reaching, real, and energetic in its execution that I was a bit intimidated by it. And I still don’t think I am fluent enough in the right language to correctly capture what Renaissance accomplished. But as far as feeling? Around the 4:45 mark of “VIRGO’S GROOVE,” at that moment, I always think this may be the greatest song I’ve ever heard in my entire life. That’s worth more than any technical analysis I can give. And it might not be the greatest song I’ve ever heard but that feeling can bear the weight of whatever the reality may be. 

wrong and don’t wanna fix it: “BAD FRUIT*” by Jean Dawson feat. Earl Sweatshirt [CHAOS NOW*]

Jean Dawson is a new artist to me, he hadn’t been revealed to me until earlier this year. The music though, holy shit. The different instruments on this track combined with the way he and Earl Sweatshirt surf over it gives me new life. The lyrics speak to the part of me that feels wrong that I still don’t want to change or fix. Give his whole album a listen, if you haven’t gotten an opportunity to do so yet. 

On Loss: “Gone Girl” by SZA [SOS]

Gone Girl is familiar. It’s only been released for a few weeks but I feel like I’ve been experiencing it my whole life. And believe me, I have been catching up on lost time. Gone Girl, Gone Girl has left my lips at some point in the day everyday for the past few weeks. I gravitate towards songs dealing with loss. The art of losing isn't hard to master and I feel like I can lose anything. I have lost myself more than anything. “Gone Girl” understands the feeling. Can a song understand a person? I’m not sure. But I felt seen by it. And I felt like it was speaking to me. It was a message I needed to hear, I’ve been trying to hold some things too tight and that’s a way to lose as well. SZA’s lyrics are always amazing and I feel like her vocals are at their best when paired with simpler musical elements. I need your touch, not your scrutiny. More on SOS on the way. 

Fate: “Impala” by Young Nudy [EA Monster]

The week EA Monster dropped, Young Nudy hosted a free concert in NYC and the first 200 people got in. I was literally the 200th person in line. I probably listened to “Impala” 200 times that day, call it fate. 

multiversal madness: “Cash In Cash Out” by Pharell Williams feat. Tyler, The Creator & 21 Savage [single]

“Cash In Cash Out” felt like a multiversal crossover event like Crisis On Infinite Earths or Secret Wars or some shit. 21 Savage and Tyler, The Creator are both professional beat walkers and this is a top tier beat by Pharell. Tyler, The Creator has a superhuman ability to normally have the best verse on whatever song he’s on no matter who else is on the track. In the middle of my first listen during 21 Savage’s verse, I was thinking “man, how the fuck is Tyler gonna top this?” By the middle of Tyler’s verse I was thinking, “holy fucking shit, he topped it.” This is a future classic and it was lowkey slept on. I can’t wait for hip hop heads being born right now to discover this track in 2035. 

Now & Later: “Curtains” by Smino [Luv 4 Rent] 

Smino is the closest thing to a jazz musician we have in rap today. Even when he’s speaking English, it feels like scat singing sometimes. This was on display to the highest extent on this 6-minute opus. It’s layered sonically, it jumps from sound to sound. The song breathes and he is a master of tempo.The outro after the skit pulls me from this life into the next and in that life I’m just a cloud lucky enough to be on my through the most beautiful stretch of Earth there is. I also think “shawty jawbone so strong I can give her a Now & Later she’ll blow a bubble” deserves a Pulitzer Prize. “Curtains” is the type of song I’m constantly hoping for and constantly thankful for. 

Experience: “Boy Bye” by Ari Lennox feat. Lucky Daye 

This felt like an old-school duet. “Boy Bye” is the perfect song to sit alone in a dimly lit room with some smoldering scented candles and close your eyes and bob your head to. Or have sex to it, if you’re into that sort of thing. Ari Lennox’s voice is like being in your lover’s arms. Her voice is like a hug for your ears. I never want to talk while this song is playing. I always want to experience it. Always. 

next in neo-soul: “complexities” by Kapwani [NAKÚPENDA] 

I had the pleasure to interview Kapwani earlier this year before the release of her latest project and she’s a breath of fresh air in music today. Real vocals, real lyrics, real emotional, raw feeling. On first listen, you hear an Erykah Badu-esque sound but the more you listen, you can hear that she’s in a lane completely her own that still manages to honor the groundwork of others in the neo-soul genre. She’s next up and “complexities” is the perfect track to find that truth.

 World Heavyweight Champion: “Kody Blu 31” by JID [The Forever Story]

If rap was wrestling and the title of “best rapper in the world” was passed around like a title belt, JID would’ve held the strap for 2022. He was amazing in all of his features(Home Remix by Mike Dimes blows my mind), was MVP of Dreamville’s collab album, and dropped an impeccable solo album. “Kody Blu 31” is probably the most versatile of all of JID’s work this year and possibly his best as well. The gospel-influenced track does feel like a prayer, a wish, and a rallying cry. It lifts me up. Keep on swinging champ. 

Bad fun?: Spin Bout U by Drake & 21 Savage [Her Loss] 

Her Loss was toxic as fuck and childish and corny at time and Drake has shown no emotional growth whatsoever over the past 15 years of his career but holy fuck was it fun. From the many random subliminals and sneak disses to the bizarre faux marketing scheme. I hate to say it, but I may be a Drake enabler. Most of us are, to a certain extent. Drake walked a lot of beats on this project but this track is possibly 21 Savage’s best performance of the album. “Spin Bout U”’s sample of Oobie’s “”Give Me Your Love” is hypnotic. Good work, good fun. 

Classy: “Come Outside” by Flo Milli [You Still Here, Ho?]

I love fight anthems but in usual Flo Milli fashion, “Come Outside” manages to remain classy and above the fight somehow(even as she provokes any detractors). Flo Milli makes every song feel like a moment. I got a bit more of a bop in my step when I listen to her. Flo Milli’s sound is still in its infancy and I think that’s exciting because she has so many places she could go with it. She has a great flow (lol) and her voice perhaps even better. The sky is not the limit. 

Real: “PRICE OF FAME” by Brent Faiyaz [WASTELAND]

 I was conflicted on whether or not to put “PRICE OF FAME” as Brent Faiyaz’s song (“Angel” being my second choice) because this song leaked on Soundcloud a long time ago. But I stuck to my guns, this is the best song he officially put out in a long time. It’s long, it’s layered, and it lingers but it doesn’t stick… much like the reality of fame that he’s depicting in the lyrics. I was disappointed in some ways by the direction of Wasteland, I felt as though he was writing to expectations rather than to his reality (I know his music is for the bitches and my opinion doesn't matter) but “PRICE OF FAME” was as real as it gets. 

Poetry: “My Good Ghosts” by MAVI [Laughing so Hard, it Hurts] 

I can’t be sure but MAVI’s music feels like he fell in love with poetry far before he thought to pick up the microphone and rap anything. It’s always raw and honest and rooted in something that the rest of the world could connect with. He’s intelligent and thoughtful with his words. I feel like he took his music to another level of his newest project and I have no doubt in my mind that he will continue to do so.  

empty together: “moscato” by Fana Hues [flora + fana] 

Everyone wants to find themselves but what if you find yourself in the wrong place and in the wrong place? I realized earlier this year that getting everything you want in the wrong way is a form of destruction as well. “moscato” sounds like a beautiful and painful recollection of self-destruction. Fana Hues keeps it simple and leaves enough space for us to feel empty with her, rather than just feel empty alone. Being empty together is always better. 

“Element”’s Brother: “Rich Spirit” by Kendrick Lamar [Mr.Morale & The Big Steppers] 

I wrote in-depth about Mr.Morale & The Big Steppers earlier this year and while other songs on this project may hold more artistic merit, I find myself coming back to “Rich Spirit” more than anything else. It feels like the spiritual sibling of “Element” from DAMN. When the project first dropped “Rich Spirit” was like crack in my ears. Bitch, I’m attractive is a powerful parable. 

black boys with guitars making love songs: “Come Over” by Casper Sage [Casper Sage] 

I love the trend of black boys with guitars making love songs. There wasn’t enough of this ten years ago and I wish there was because “Come Over” is a real fucking gem. I needed to grow up with this song and I wish this song was everything in the world to me when I was 16 years old. Casper Sage carries wisdom in his music but the emotions matter more than anything else, as they always do. 

the youth is in good hands: “Shoulder” by Redveil feat. Mekdelawit & Renaissance Mic [learn 2 swim]

Redveil was born in 2004 (or 2003, idk) and he’s making music this fucking good. He hails from PG County, Maryland and it seems the area has aged his taste and talent to be on par with a man twice his age. Redveil could be one of the biggest rappers on the planet in five years time. Everytime I listen to one of his songs, the phrase “the youth is in good hands” soars to the top of my mind. Can’t wait to watch this kid blow up. 

haunted: “meta angel” by FKA Twigs [CAPRISONGS] 

“meta angel” by FKA Twigs is an introspective masterpiece that poses questions about love, pain, and the power of intention. I’ve got voices in my head. The vocals are haunting, the voice inflections stuck with me for hours after I listened for the first time. I swore I started seeing her voice peeking around the corner ready to pop out and scare the shit out of me. 

Not Afraid: “Long Division” by AG Club [Impostor Syndrome]

AG Club is one of the most fun rap acts to debut over the last few years. They aren’t afraid to be delicate and soft and emotional and they aren’t afraid to party and be on some real rap shit. This song is a strong mix of both of those elements and it’s the perfect length for someone to live in a moment. And it’s such a moment. 

drowning and healing: “Lift Me Up” by Rihanna [single]

Rihanna’s return to music in the form of a power ballad in honor of the late (and great) Chadwick Boseman was not something I would have been able to predict in 2019. I enjoyed the song but after viewing Wakanda Forever for the first time, it took my experience with the song to another level. The humming at the beginning is precursor of the pain to come later on. But this wasn’t pain for pain’s sake, mainly I was healing to this song. I healed to this song. That has to be worth something. Chadwick’s death for me, in that year of 2020 has always been conflated for me with that of Kobe’s and with my Grandpa’s. I cried, many times over. I drowned. Then I kept on living and healing. 

Kerry James Marshall: “i’m fine” by Fousheé [softCore] 

I once read in the writings of the esteemed Kerry James Marshall that it is the role of the artist to force relationships between forms that seem incompatible. Isolate, recontextualize, shift scale, shift material, invert. Synthesize! Synthesize! Synthesize! “i’m fine” by Fousheé wholeheartedly captures those ideals to me. She begins with a soft folksy tune and explodes until short bursts of punk-metal expressions that share the truth of her emotions despite what she’s saying in her soft voice. The sounds shouldn’t work together as well as they do but it’s fluid and fluent in the language of the human spirit. “i’m fine” is softcore and an examination of a person trying to keep it all together despite it all.

-

So many of my favorite songs are not listed here and I am sure that’s true of all of you as well. I don’t mean to prioritize any song above another, I just wanted to express what went through my mind in my world of music this year. Music has a power over me, it can hold me together and it can break me apart. When I die, I hope God can leave me my ears just so I can hear all these tunes just one more time.

I love music. 

published December 28, 2022

notes on: Frank Ocean, FYF Fest 2017

MEDIUM: MUSIC/ PERFORMANCE 

Genre: R&B

Tracks: 18 

Runtime: 75 minutes 

Favorite Tracks: “Good Guy,” “Poolside Convo/Self Control,” “Close To You,” “Thinkin Bout You,” “Nikes,” “Pink + White” 

Least Favorite Tracks: N/A 

Features: N/A but shoutout to the whole team that helped him put the show together, from the bottom of my heart. 

Ritual 

[rit·u·al  /ˈriCH(o͞o)əl/]

a series of actions or type of behavior regularly and invariably followed by someone.

On July 22, 2017; Frank Ocean performed at the FYF Festival in Los Angeles at Exposition Park only 337 days after he dropped his second studio album, Endless, and only 336 days since he dropped his third studio album, Blonde. I was not there, in fact I have no idea what I was doing while the performance was happening. This is my favorite live performance of all time. 

I graduated from college with my undergraduate degree in May 2019. In truth, it was a difficult time for me. My “girlfriend” broke up with me just a few months earlier, citing incompatibility. I was graduating without any job prospects and no direction in my career. I was suffering from post-grad depression and simply unaware of anything I was supposed to do. I felt like I went to school and failed, although I came back with a degree. I was dirt broke and moved back into my mother’s house. I got 700 dollars when I graduated: 300 dollars from my grandparents, 300 from my father and stepmother, and 100 from my auntie. I spent 300 dollars on a Google chromebook and the rest was gone after a few weeks. By the middle of June, I had less than 10 dollars in my account and no job in sight. I had just become the first of my mother’s children to graduate from college and I had never felt further from where I wanted to be. 

I spent most of those summer nights scheming for the future, scouring the internet for inspiration on my 300 dollar chromebook. One of those nights, while spiraling down the YouTube wormhole, I happened upon a video titled “Frank Ocean Full Concert FYF Fest July 22, 2017 (Front Row)” posted by Tyler Pugmire. I clicked on it, watched it. And I cried, multiple times, alone in my momma’s lamplit basement. The next morning, I woke up refreshed and a bit more equipped to take on the world. And thus, the ritual began. 

I watch this performance whenever my life is in shambles, which has happened far more times than I care to admit. I often wonder where Frank Ocean was in his life on July 22, 2017; if he felt like he was losing Christopher Breaux or if he was free and his whole life had just come together and everything was perfect for the first time ever. It was likely somewhere in the middle. Regardless of whatever the reality was on the inside, on the outside; Frank Ocean hid just below the stage behind a cloud of smoke, on the cusp of performing a set that would change my life forever. 

✰ song one: “Pretty Sweet” 

“Pretty Sweet,” albeit short, is a chilling declaration of determination and faith. Frank Ocean sings of resilience and strength with more of a warning energy than the bravado generally associated with feelings of triumph. 

Said you want to hurt me now, you can’t hurt me now. That might be what you need. 

His warnings build to a choir of children singing a melancholy melody of sugar and sweets, perhaps in direct reference to either Frank Ocean’s sexuality or a simple taunt towards his enemies. Frank Ocean does not perform this song, it plays as a preamble for the concert. While “Pretty Sweet” is the 11th track of Blonde, it is his first track on the second half of the album, which begins after the beat switch on “Nights.” He emerges from the smoke, shrouded in darkness. As he advances closer and closer to the edge of the stage, we can make out more of his figure. He’s wearing a white Nike “Instant Karma” tee, blue cargo pants, sneakers, and large headphones on his head for isolating his vocals. He jumps into the second song. 

✰ song two: “Solo”  

“Solo” is perfect as an energizer. The opening instrumental theme to the song is more restrained in the live performance. The vocals begin immediately in the studio version but Frank lets the music go alone for a while on stage. The humming beat feels similar to the ones used for the skits in Blonde serves as a lobby for Frank Ocean to orient himself before the crowd. This makes sense because the skit, “Be Yourself,” precedes “Solo” on the album and works as the lobby. The mix of talking, singing, and soulful intonations is beautiful. The beat always makes me want to close my eyes and skate on the clouds but the desire is intensified here. 

✰ song three: “Chanel” 

“Chanel” is another upbeat jam with an essence in line with “Solo.” The braggadocious vibe of the song touches on the beauty of his sexual partners and the luxurious nature of his clothes. “Chanel” is a single and it was a newer track at the time, it was released in March of that year. It feels really good to sing along to. 

✰ song four: “Lens” 

Frank slows it down considerably with “Lens,” which he prefaces as new shit. “Lens” is also a single and premiered on Blonded Radio in April 2017. I am not sure anyone embodies longing and nostalgia in their lyrics as well as Frank Ocean does so it is no surprise that this song makes me yearn for moments long gone. 

Despite our history

Somewhere in your nights you're stuck when you think of me

✰ song five: “Biking (Solo)” 

The show picks back up with “Biking,” a song about being steady and on the go and grabbing life by what it gives you. “Biking” also premiered on Blonded Radio earlier that year and is the third and final single Frank performs in this set. The sanguine lyrics and cherubic melody bubbles to a crescendo and the crowd reaches mass hysteria as the Frank screams: 

Got, got me fucked up

Got a million dollar bike

Got a million dollar bike

Got, got me fucked up

Got me fucked up, up

✰ song six: “Hublots” 

A small portion of “Hublots” plays as a transition between songs and gives Frank Ocean a chance to catch his breath after the vocally demanding screaming at the end of “Biking.” He does not sing along. “Hublots” is the first of three songs from Endless to make an appearance in this performance. 

✰ song seven: “Comme Des Garcons” 

“Comme Des Garcons” is a luxury fashion brand and the phrase translates to meaning “like boys.” It is a nice nod to both his opulent lifestyle and his sexuality. The song is fun and more rap than Frank Ocean’s usual R&B. I always feel cool when I listen to “Comme Des Garcons” and it is definitely one of his catchier songs.  

Feelings come, feelings go

Feelings come, feelings go

✰ song eight: “Good Guy” 

The album version of “Good Guy” is 1 minute and five seconds long (only 52 seconds without the skit). Frank Ocean’s performance of “Good Guy” at the 2017 FYF Fest takes over ten minutes and it is a glorious display of revision, dedication, improvement, and emotional verbosity. Blonde samples Buddy Ross’s piano on “Running Around” for skits and an extended version of the sample murmurs while Frank Ocean gathers his emotional bearings for the song. He wails over the beat, adding flourishes where he feels they should be. But he fails to meet his standards, vocally. The first time was beautiful to me but I can feel the charge of energy he pulls into the second version. His voice hits my ear like a tsunami, drowning in pain. His timing is better and his notes are clearer. He didn’t rob himself of an emotional release by being afraid to correct himself in front of thousands of people. The biggest lyrical departure from the studio version is the final line, where he says: 

I know you don’t need me right now, 

And to you, it's just a late night out 

In this live version, he says: 

And to you it’s just, and to you it’s just, 

And to you it’s just a late night out, 

And to you it’s just, oh, to you it’s just, 

yeah to you it’s just a… yeah to you it’s just a…

This is my favorite moment of the entire show. I have often carried the burden of caring more about the moment than whoever I’m with and the realization that a memory would take up more space in your heart than it ever could in someone else’s hurts. To me it’s everything, to them it’s just a late night out. This is the curse of a lover. I cry, pretty much every time.

Frank says, “I think that was better” as the music ends. Yeah Frank, me too. 

✰ song nine: “Poolside Convo/ Self Control” 

“Poolside Convo” is a rap song and a recollection of advice he got from his grandmother growing up. Frank Ocean never released it to any streaming platforms but direct references are made to it throughout Blonde. “Poolside Convo” is the intro to “Self Control” and the rap leads directly into the opening lyrics. “Self Control” is one of the more wistful songs on the album and it completely shines through here. The song is very childish and I mean that in the best way. The love that Frank Ocean describes is innocent and naive and it’s hard because it doesn’t know enough to be soft. This is heartbreaking in a way because “Self Control” acknowledges a death of that soft love. The bridge on the album version of the song is an imperceptible yet gorgeous melody of distorted vocals made to sound like a guitar. But we can hear Frank Ocean loud and clear here as he says: 

Sometimes you'll miss it

And the sound will make you cry

And some nights, you're dancing

With tears in your eyes

“Self Control”’s outro is among the best in music history and it feels like a goodbye to the love you knew as a child, in this live rendition even moreso. There is a hidden message in the lyrics. 

I (3x) know you gotta leave (3x), 

take down some summertime, 

give up, just tonight, night, night. 

I (3x) know you got someone coming, 

spitting game, know you got it. 

If you select the words he says three times, you get: “I leave tonight.” He is saying goodbye to his lover and love. Absolutely stunning. 

✰ song ten: “Wither” 

“Wither” is the final song Frank Ocean performs from Endless on this set and it’s my favorite song on the album. He gives this song a bit more attention than the other songs from Endless so I’m guessing it’s his favorite as well. “Wither” reads like a prayer for a love that can stand the test of time. It’s a hopeful tune but the hope doesn’t feel tied to optimism, it feels tethered to anxiety. The lumbering piano beat paired with haunting vocals and pastoral yet elegiac lyrics leave a hollow feeling in your soul. Frank’s vocal performance is divine here. He calls it “this thing off Endless” when he finishes. 

And both our hands are filthy

Pointing up at the moon

All tonight, I’ll hold you close, close enough to bruise

Hope a garden grows where we dance this afternoon

Hope our children walk by spring, when flowers bloom

Hope they’ll get to see my color

Know that I’ve enjoyed sunshine

Pray they’ll get to see me, me wither (When I was young)

See me wither (When I was young)

✰ song eleven: “Close To You” 

Frank gives a small anecdote before singing about how his favorite song used to be “When You Were Mine” by Prince from his 1980 album, Dirty Mind. However, one late night he was going down the YouTube wormhole in one of the many hotels he lived in between Channel Orange and Blonde; and he came across Stevie Wonder’s electric rendition of “Close To You/Never Can Say Goodbye” by the Carpenters and The Jackson Five on The David Frost show. Stevie Wonder’s version of the song became his new favorite song and felt compelled to record his own cover of the song in Stevie Wonder’s style. I think the album version of this song is beautiful, especially after multiple listens, but Frank Ocean improves considerably upon it in this performance. 

His performance is accompanied by a big screen broadcast of Brad Pitt sitting near the stage on the phone, with a somber expression. Brad Pitt is shot by director Spike Jonze in his portrayal of a man at the end of love. Brad Pitt previously made it known that Blonde helped him through his divorce with Angelina Jolie and that “Close To You” is his favorite song from the album. Frank Ocean’s version performed at FYF Fest is sadder and obviously post-breakup. It paints the picture of a man in denial. It’s worth noting that The Carpenters original version of “Close To You” is a happy song of celebratory love and attraction. When paired with the Jackson 5’s desperation to hold onto love in “Never Can Say Goodbye,” it takes a completely different turn into something truly magnificent. Stevie Wonder was a genius to combine these dissonant tracks. The song maintains its magnetic and robotic feeling even as celestial waves of emotion crash from Frank Ocean and onto the LA crowd. 

✰ song twelve: “Ivy” 

I don’t have much to say about “Ivy.” Not because it doesn’t evoke the same maudlin feelings as the rest of the songs, because it does, even more so in a lot of cases. But “Ivy” feels like too much of a moment to spend any time doing anything other than experiencing it. Frank sings of dreams and that’s the best word I can come up with… dreamy. It’s beautiful on the album and it’s beautiful here. The crowd sings along but the louder noises from the other songs have seemed to chilled to a collective cooing. His vocals are fractured and heightened near the end of the song on the album but we can hear him clear as day as here: 

I been dreaming. 

The big screen broadcast has VHS effects during the performance of this “Ivy,” further suggesting that “Ivy” is a vision of a love from the past. 

✰ song thirteen: “Only You” by Steve Monite 

Frank sings a cover of “Only You” by Steve Monite for fun. It’s beautiful, fun, and funky. You can dance to it. It’s a good lift after the heavier emotional tracks. “Only You” was featured on the following episode of Blonded Radio. 

✰ song fourteen: “Thinkin Bout You” 

“Thinkin Bout You” is the only song Frank Ocean performs from his 2012 album, Channel Orange. “Thinkin Bout You” was the biggest commercial hit from the album and probably still his biggest commercial success to this day. The rendition he performed at the FYF Fest has vocals and beats interwoven throughout from the Jackson 5’s “All I Do Is Think Of You.” It almost feels like a different song. While the original is a painful reflection on the end of a connection, the sample makes “Thinkin Bout You” feel like a call to action to save what they had. I love how much confidence Frank Ocean sings this song with. It feels like he sings it knowing he can’t be fucked with. It’s so metal. 

A slowed down version of “All I Do Is Think Of You”’s chorus plays as the outro then Frank Ocean recites a poem: 

When you said your wedding vows, 

it turned out to be lies, 

shouldn’t be lies, I saw you in the 

forest weeping, you were weeping 

blowing like the dust balls in a drawer.     

✰ song fifteen: “Nights”

“Nights” is perhaps the most popular song from Blonde and also possibly the most important thematically. The famous beat switch happens exactly in the middle of the 60-minute album and cleaves it in two: the jubilant, nostalgic first half and the introspective, mournful second half. This isn't only true of the album but of the song as well. The first half of “Nights” is rap heavy and has lyrics that evoke anger, freedom, and dissociative thoughts. He’s reticent. Then comes the bridge. 

All my night, been ready for you all my night

Been waitin' on you all my night

I'll buzz you in, just let me know when you're outside

All my night, you been missin' all my night

Still got some good nights memorized

And the look back's gettin' me right

A hypnotic beat switch gives way to a slower pace. The beat switch is partnered with a chaotic light slow followed by rapid tranquility. The second half of “Nights” happens exactly one hour into his set and Frank is more open and honest about his feelings about the love he’s been missing. 

✰ song sixteen: “Pink + White” 

“Pink + White” is one of Frank Ocean’s more poetic songs. He co-produced it with Pharrell Williams and it has backup vocals from Beyonce, although she goes uncredited. Listening to “Pink + White” feels like being a lone cloud on a sunny day. It’s perfect to listen to in the car at sunset, that’s when I imagine the song came to Frank. 

You showed me love

Glory from above

Regard, my dear

It's all downhill from here

✰ song seventeen: “Futura Free” 

“Futura Free” is the final track of Blonde, Frank’s celebration of defeating both poverty and his demons. He has won at life and now he’s free. He paints a picture of the life he’s curated from the beauty and pain of his youth. He has a brand new set of fears: not being built for celebrity life, rabid fan culture, and failure to meet the expectations he’s placed on himself… amidst other fears. Still, despite it all he has given himself the space to do what he loves for a living and recognizes that he’s come a long way and he’s blessed. His last line of the album is: 

Shit went 180 on me, please run that back, though

He says it twice in his live performance at the FYF Fest then “Nikes,” the first track of Blonde begins to play. 

✰ song eighteen: “Nikes” 

“Nikes” is the opening track of Blonde and spiritual sister to “Futura Free,” the final track. The last lyrics of “Futura Free” lead directly into “Nikes” and the final key signature of “Futura Free” is in harmony with the beginning of “Nikes” which suggests that Blonde is a loop. The lyrics play on the screen as Frank sings “Nikes” like a karaoke but after the entire crowd joined him on the first verse, it kinda fell silent for a while besides Frank. Everyone just surrenders to the moment and shuts the fuck up. It was hypnotic. The final verse of “Nikes” always hits me hard. 

I may be younger, but I'll look after you

We're not in love, but I'll make love to you

When you're not here, I'll save some for you

I'm not him, but I'll mean something to you

I'll mean something to you

I'll mean something to you

Blonde is a loop that goes on forever. The feelings, somehow, last even longer than that. 

-

The final setlist breakdown of Frank Ocean’s performance at the 2017 FYF Fest: 3 singles, 3 songs from Endless, 1 song from Channel Orange, 1 Cover, and 10 songs from Blonde. Obviously a lot of favorites would be missed when your discography is as strong as Frank Ocean’s, but I wish he performed “Godspeed,” “White Ferrari,” “Lost,” “Sierra Leone,” “Pilot Jones,” and “At Your Best” although I suppose a two-hour set at a music festival would’ve been nonsensical. 

Blonde is nostalgic, a word that barely manages to capture the feeling Frank has been evoking in his fans since he first came onto the scene with Nostalgia Ultra. Blonde is a celebration of youth, vitality, and growth. When the world has defeated me, this performance forces me to feel the pain I need to stand back up. Pain is healing. As Khalil Gibran says (first introduced to me as a child as words in the mouth of Huey from The Boondocks), “Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self. Therefore, trust the physician and drink his remedy in silence and tranquility." 

Frank Ocean wrote he is “finally free” in an essay in the NY Times in an essay following the release of Blonde and Endless, perhaps the sensation I’m chasing when I watch him exorcize his pain on stage. Freedom. I have always had an idea of who I wanted to be and the more I grow up, the further away it seems at times. And at other times I feel like I can feel my “true self” breathing down my neck. Maybe I shouldn’t subscribe to a life first dreamed by a child who didn’t know anything. But that innocence and naivety is what keeps me going. I’ll never know everything and the further away I get from everything I thought I knew, the less I’m able to tell the difference between what I wanted to know and what I know now. Christopher Breaux wrote, “in my rear view mirror it’s getting small enough to convince myself it was all good. And really though, it’s still all good.” I actually find myself mainly remembering the good times from the summer of 2019, those are nights my whole life came together. 

Thank You Frank Ocean. It’s all good. 

Healing 

[heal·ing /ˈhēliNG/]

the process of making or becoming sound or healthy again.

 

5 APPLES OF 5 APPLES 

notes on: Mr. Morale & The Big Steppers

MEDIUM: Music GENRE: Rap TRACKS: 18 RUNTIME: 73 minutes 

FAVORITE TRACKS: N95, Father Time, Rich Spirit, Count Me Out, Crown, Mother I Sober, Mirror 

LEAST FAVORITE TRACKS: Worldwide Steppers, Rich (interlude), Auntie Diaries   

FEATURES: Blxst, Amanda Reifer, Sampha, Taylour Paige, Kadhja Bonet, Summer Walker, Ghostface Killah, Kodak Black, Baby Keem, Sam Dew, Tanna Leone, Beth Gibbons 

Release Year: 2022 

“Tell them the truth.” 

Kendrick Lamar has returned from his five-year hiatus with Mr. Morale & The Big Steppers, a double LP release that picked up exactly where his Pulitzer Prize winning album, DAMN, had left off. Mr. Morale & The Big Steppers seems to hit on the same motifs as his previous albums, spirits and heritage and demons and genetic memory and a cursed people, but it comes to a drastically different conclusion than his prior offerings. DAMN concluded with Kendrick Lamar recognizing and accepting his role in America as a modern day prophet. Kendrick Lamar realized that in order to be the best prophet for his people, he needed to look at his past and exorcize the demons placed on his lineage by both himself and his ancestors in order to save his future. This was the penultimate destination of his journey towards God and his true self started way back in 2013 on Good Kid, Maad City and further realized through To Pimp A Butterfly. 

However, we know it did not exactly turn out that way. Kendrick Lamar receded into his bubble, away both creatively and from the public eye. While his music remained a rallying point in the fight against police brutality and for improved race relations, Kendrick Lamar didn’t say or do much of anything as the world turned to shit around him. In his time away, Kendrick Lamar looked into the mirror and realized that he was in no position to be the prophet he ordained himself to be. He was dealing with his own vices, curses, and demons that needed to be addressed. He was no longer himself, he was “oklama.”  

Oklama originates from the Chahta Anumpa tribe. “Okla” means people and “ma” means my. The phrase “oklah ma” is often used in the Choctaw translation of the Bible when a prophet is addressing a community on God’s behalf. If Kendrick Lamar is oklama then he is his people. But who are his people? Black people? Compton? Humanity? I think the answer lies on the cover of the album. Shot by Renell Medrano, Mr. Morale & The Big Steppers’s album cover has Kendrick Lamar on the cover with his fiance and two children. Kendrick Lamar wears a thorny crown, invoking the image of Jesus Christ (the savior). He also has a pistol in his waistband. He looks out the door into the world, ready to protect what he has, his people. Kendrick Lamar had two young children since the release of DAMN and he has realized that he is now more than just himself and what he carries with him will be inherited by his children. It is up to him to break the generational curse and make a new clean world for his wife and kids, even if it is at the expense of his prophethood. 

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Renell Medrano (@renellaice)

The double album tells that story. The first album, Mr. Morale, covers tracks 1-9. It begins with “United In Grief,” where Kendrick Lamar chronicles the mental and spiritual hole he fell into following his last album. The first words are “I hope you find some peace of mind, in this lifetime” and the voice of his woman, Whitney, urges him to “tell them the truth.” Kendrick expresses his grief and how he felt trapped. He’s been going through it himself, too much to save the world. He follows that up with the quick paced “N95” where he spits quick lines, telling us to shed the fake and the superfluous vices of the flesh and see what we still have left to offer. We need to shed the fugazi for purification and practice authenticity and honesty no matter how ugly it makes us look. He follows this with “Worldwide Steppers” where he raps about fucking white women (lol) and possible anxiety that he is not living up to his ancestor’s dreams of him and that his actions are hurting his people.

The album finally pivots towards full repentance on the fourth track, “Die Hard.” He recognizes his demons and hopes that it isn't too late to atone for his sins and save his bloodline. Kendrick says, “I have some regrets but my past won’t keep me from my best.” After this he looks at his past on the fifth track, “Father Time.” He raps about his daddy issues, specifically a basketball game he played against his father when he was an adolescent. His father was rough with him and let him know the world would be rough as well. His father was a hard man who didn’t think he had the luxury of emotion. Kendrick Lamar thinks he inherited this from his father along with a plethora of other hyper masculine traits. But at the end, Kendrick Lamar still loves his father and was grateful for having him in his life, something a lot of young black men did not experience. He follows this with some Kodak Black spoken word poetry and the 7th track, “Rich Spirit.” 

“Rich Spirit” brings Kendrick Lamar back to the present and back into braggadocio rather than the reflective nature of the previous tracks. He further explores the idea that being rich in spirit is more rewarding and real than having material wealth. Lasting memory and eternal salvation are all we have. The song reads as a warning of sorts, as if he’s striving towards the Buddha or Christ figure, but opposition keeps pulling him back towards the flesh.  The next track, “We Cry Together” is an argument song where Kendrick Lamar uses two personas, one voiced by him and the other by Zola actor, Taylour Paige. He uses these two characters to reveal a world at war and in the end, he comes to the conclusion that we should shut the fuck up and let love talk. On the final song of the first album, “Purple Hearts,” Kendrick Lamar along with Ghostface Killah and Summer Walker lets us know that love conquers all and that we should lead our lives with love in mind. Kendrick Lamar seems to surmise that this love shouldn’t come from just anywhere, but should be born from God’s love of his people.  

The second album, The Big Steppers, leads us with God’s love lighting the path towards salvation. The road is dark but he has a starting point now. It begins with “Count Me Out.” Kendrick Lamar forgives himself for his demons and he realizes that nothing can complete him but him. He finishes his internal struggle and gathers that he can’t be anyone but himself. Kendrick Lamar says  “this is me and I’m blessed.” Kendrick is his people but is not our savior and he can’t please everybody, let alone himself. This radical path of self-recognition is first explored on  “Crown.” Kendrick once again invokes the image of the Messiah’s thorny crown but this time, as an idea he cannot live up to. 

Baby Keem channels this idea on “Savior-Interlude” and Kendrick Lamar reiterates this again on “Savior.” He lets us know that he cannot save us despite what he has done for us. And neither can J.Cole, Future, or LeBron James. Kendrick Lamar draws attention to celebrity culture as well as his own impostor syndrome. He questions the labels that have been placed on him due to the conscious nature of his music. He maligns the expectations of the celebrity-activist. He argues those expectations were never his intentions. Kendrick Lamar aligns his personality closer to being like Kodak Black than being woke or pro-black. He tells us “Tupac’s dead, gotta think for yourself.” He protects himself in his valley of silence. He declines to speak on the world. 

The next track, “Auntie Diaries,” tells the story of two transgender family members of Kendrick Lamar who were ostracized by his community. He (somewhat clumsily) preaches love and acceptance of the LGBT community. He expresses his desire to unlearn hate. He chooses humanity over religion. On the seventh track of the second album, Kendrick Lamar speaks directly to his children. He wonders how his actions would affect them and how past life transgressions have affected him. He uses R.Kelly’s molestation victim to rapist story as an example of how negative actions can completely change the direction of someone’s life. Kendrick Lamar argues that actions in the now are a direct result of the vices and traumas of our ancestors. 

We are either building atop of one another or burying our bloodline even further. Kendrick pledges to step out of the hole. Kendrick Lamar watched his cousin struggle with addiction then helped her son, Baby Keem, make a million dollars. Kendrick has raised his family out of poverty but he still needs to finish healing himself in order to heal his people. He sacrifices himself to start the healing. The next track is “Mother I Sober.” This is where Kendrick loses all of the walls he put up to protect himself.  He reveals that an older family member was once suspected of molesting him, and although Kendrick wasn’t touched, no one believed him. His mother tells him years later that she was touched and that was why she projected that trauma onto him. He forgives his mother for abusing him. He forgives himself for cheating on his woman. He grabs his chance at transformation. Kendrick Lamar frees himself from his guilt and expels the demons from his people, healing everyone. He breaks the generational curse that haunted his family for the past few hundred years and healed the trauma within himself. Kendrick Lamar has built a clean and unfettered foundation for his children to build upon. 

“You broke a generational curse.”

The final track, “Mirror,” is about self-preservation. In the face of the world and with the burden of his family placed upon his shoulders, Kendrick Lamar chose himself. Being oklama, himself includes his family and his responsibilities. He rejected the pressure. In response to the first track when Whitney implored him to “tell them the truth,” he replies “I choose me, I’m sorry.” Kendrick Lamar turns his back on prophethood, societal expectations, celebrity life, TDE, and the world. He couldn’t handle the pressure and excused himself from the spotlight for family and generational wellbeing. He says he has more to live for now and he shouldn’t be responsible for the world’s misplaced faith in him. 

“I’m sorry I couldn’t save the world my friend, I was too busy building mine again.” 

I didn’t come into Kendrick Lamar’s seventh LP with any particular expectations about the thematic content and I think that served my listening experience well. Following Kendrick’s release of “The Heart Pt. V” a few days before the release of Mr. Morale & The Big Steppers, I had a friend text me and say that she didn’t care what Kendrick Lamar had to say next unless it addressed the evils of capitalism. She surmised that was the next logical step in his conscious evolution and that it was his responsibility as a “woke” rapper. It struck me as odd that he is viewed this way. His music was never educational in my estimation. He didn’t rap about police brutality statistics or redlining or gerrymandering or try to explain how congress turned a bill into law like some south central LA schoolhouse rock. He spoke his truth and his pain and tied it to a history, a history of a people that have been disenfranchised and left behind. His albums have acted as spiritual journeys to inspire change more than anything else, and in that respect, Kendrick’s latest album is a conceptual success.  

I don’t have too much to say about the intentionality behind Mr. Morale & The Big Steppers. I think some of the woke elements worked but much of it didn’t. Kodak Black being a muse and feature for the album despite his numerous rape allegations was disheartening. The messaging behind songs like “Worldwide Steppers” and “Auntie Diaries” were elementary and didn’t offer any perspective that absolutely needed to be heard, despite the positive intentions. The use of homophobic slurs was odd as well, even if the context wasn’t pushing towards a negative point against the LGBT community. To be completely honest, I think I would have preferred a completely personal album rather than the more ambitious and encompassing projects from the past. Even if Kendrick had a responsibility to be woke, now that he was branded a woke rapper, I think he conquered the racial mountain that Langston Hughes wrote about long ago. Artists and creatives should have the independence to move in any direction they desire. 

Even saying that, Mr. Morale & The Big Steppers is Kendrick’s most personal project yet. There are hardly any songs where he takes the camera off of himself. It sounds off like we are overhearing a therapy session between himself and Whitney as he lays himself bare and commits the ultimate sacrifice, honesty. Despite how freeing the expression must be, it has to suck to have to be honest about such complex emotional topics as Kendrick Lamar is doing across this album. As he muttered to himself on “Mother I Sober,” I felt a heaviness and a chill in my heart. The pain from his experience magnified by the melancholic chords of the piano pushed me into Kendrick and I became him, in a way that I have become very artists before. 

As of writing, I have listened to the album 8 times over (obviously I’ve replayed my favorites a few times by themselves). The highlight of my listening experience was probably the first time I heard “Father Time.” Kendrick Lamar rapped about a basketball game and made it sound like war and love and longing and murder. There was a grit, tenacity, and tenderness to the way he said his words on the song and helped deliver his message just the right way. The track samples a reversed loop of “You’re not there” by Hoskins ‘N Crowd and it hits my ear like tears throughout the song. Sampha’s softness on the chorus is a strong antithesis to Kendrick’s rigid voice. 

I really love how “Rich Spirit” makes me feel. The lyrics feel fun and soft. I can see myself walking through the park on a sunny day just bobbing my head and having a good time. I love music that has the power to take me somewhere else. His flow and cadence has the bounce of classic Cali rap but the voice is smooth. I feel like he channeled Snoop Dogg in some way for the song. Shoutout to music that makes you feel cool. 

I feel like The Big Steppers was more successful than Mr. Morale in executing Kendrick’s concept. A big part of that was “Count Me Out” and “Crown.” My mind has somehow conflated both tracks into a single song. I relate to being unsatisfied despite myself and my successes. Because Kendrick found his way out his hole, it gives me a bit of hope for myself. I feel like I have a lot I need to forgive myself for. The questions he asked himself on these tracks seemed to be addressed directly to me. Questions that probably still need to be answered. 

In Oscar Wilde’s Critic As Artist, Wilde theorized that an artist must concede a piece of reality to ascend the art. He said that we are allured to art by mystery and that it becomes complete in its beauty through incompleteness. Music is special in a way that it never reveals its secret. Every performance is different and every emotional feeling is different. We’ve never felt the same thing twice. Wilde suggests that the worst thing we can do for art is to realize its ideal too absolutely. And I think Mr. Morale & The Big Steppers is an absolute success in that department. Kendrick Lamar sits at the axis of the whole project, seeking to scrub away his public perception. He wants us to know that we never knew him. And in a way, he keeps that mystery alive, both about himself and about his music… in defiance of his honesty. 

Mr. Morale & The Big Steppers is an honest album that tells us that we know nothing and that he’s going to leave us on our own to figure it out. I feel abandoned by Kendrick Lamar by the end of this album. I never saw him as my savior but “Mirror” felt like a swan song, not only to TDE but to music as a whole. This is probably not it, I’m certain that I’m overreacting. But Kendrick’s latest offering was a blast to listen to. And if this is it, I’m satisfied. The album is beautiful even if Kendrick failed at saving the world. Kendrick Lamar has a real connection with millions of fans like me. Our connection was built out of music, 

And so not built at all, 

And therefore built for ever.   

4.5 APPLES OF 5 APPLES

published May 16, 2022