HOWTOAPOLOGIZETOYOURSELF

The date is June 22, 2022. It is 9:12 PM. I’m fresh out of the shower, in bed, typing in my notes because I’m too lazy to get my journal out of the car. Cities Aviv’s “Accompanied by a Blazing Solo” hums in the background from my speaker. His raspy voice raps over a sample repeating, “...Heaven is the place for me.”

In two days, I’ll be nineteen. My birthday is supposed to be the main thing on my mind right now, but I can’t stop thinking about my sixteen-year-old self. One day,I woke up and abandoned her, leaving without saying goodbye. I am guilty of many things, but mostly for  the pain I put her through. I owe more than an apology, but these words are all I have. If I could apologize to her, I would say:

                Dear Camille,

For sixteen years I broke you down mentally, emotionally, and sometimes physically. I called you ugly. I compared you to others. I lied to you. I hated you. I left you in toxic situations. I introduced you to this thing, and I called it love. And I let you down. I am sorry.

I will not explain my actions because no explanation can make the pain feel better. We stood on the battlefield together and fought off the world  for so long. You stood by me through it all. It is my fault for going home and creating a war between us. I took what the world  taught me and used it on you. The world gave me grief and I gave you pain. You once told me that the very same words they used on us, always hurt more when coming from me. Because we were a team, and teams stuck together no matter what. I am sorry for blaming you. I am sorry for turning my back on you and joining the other team.

No one taught me how to talk to myself. They taught me not to talk to myself. They taught me that words did not hurt. I look at you, an embodiment of everything they taught me, and weep at how wrong they were. The only thing I had against you were my words, and I used them in every way possible. I destroyed you. Or at least I tried to. I am sorry.

Sometimes I wonder, why did I hate you so much? I remember thinking you were ugly. But looking back at you, we look so much alike. Nothing changed. Maybe I hated you because everyone told me I should. They told me you were not acceptable. They told me you were lame. They taught me to hate you for things out of your control, and I did like the faithful follower I was. I am sorry.

I had to learn to fall in love with everything they told me to hate about you to accept you. I fell in love with who you were. I was told I was weird because I was shy and loved books and music. And I believed them. I didn't fit in with a lot of my peers. Those were the first things I decided to love.I fell in love with your shyness. I fell in love with the fact that you were poor. I fell in love with your lips which gave way to your voice, respect your thoughts and value your opinions. I fell in love with you, all of you.

In two days, I’ll be 19. Every day I continue to find myself. I accept myself. I apologize to myself. I forgive myself. Every day I fall in love with something new about myself. I love you, and I thank you for being the sacrifice for my new love, even if you didn’t want to. I pulled self-love out of you, kicking and screaming. All that you endured is the reason that I am standing here, loved and full and growing, today. I had to hate you to learn to love myself. I can write to you today through growth and growth alone. I can finally admit that I would not be here without you. I love you. I am sorry.

With Love, Camille

published August 8, 2022