THE WINTER PRODUCTION
“If you give yourself up, nobody can blackmail you with anything.” - Ms. Lauryn Hill
THE FINAL ACT
I choose to share my perspective knowing that even though the human experience is unique, ultimately, we share similar experiences and lessons. With that understanding, I accept that I am a vessel for my message and my story, a slight variation of a common tale.
All I seek is freedom. Freedom from self-imprisonment, illusions, addiction, attachment, and everything else that does not represent my truth. I encourage you to free yourself as well. Be who you are and become who you’re supposed to be.
PROLOGUE
It’s reported that Jimi Hendrix’s last words were “I need help bad, man.” We were left with that and a poem that concluded with the words, “the story of love is hello and goodbye until we meet again.” Jimi is the intro because it encapsulates a hopeless day where you wake and everywhere that you once knew life to encompass is suddenly b l e a k. You realize you haven’t had a real meal in days. Or a good night's rest in weeks. Or even put on real clothes and you’ve slowly regressed into old patterns you thought you’d overcome.
On Tuesday, December 21, while hypnopompic my ears were met with a auspicious tapping on my window. It was then I realized my final death was approaching and my soul would soon be cleansed. Just what I needed and in timing so divine. An angelic voice sang “Hello, Kareem” and delivered a few warning messages before I’d experience another season.
I. When the love is true there will be no on and off, no uncertainty. So you know what you must do if it occurs again Kareem.
II. Begin preparing & stay patient, a pivotal change is coming. What is it you ask? You’ll soon find out.
You must wonder, how can one prepare for what they don’t know is coming? I say simple, live as you would while knowing something will soon occur that will be change the course of your life.
ACT I: BLEEK SPEAKS
*tap tap* “Is this mic on.”
Fall ’21 contained a chapter of isolation for me where I removed myself from the general public’s field of vision. Solitude was required to deal with my struggles, recalibrate, and to find a passageway towards understanding my authentic self rather than continuing to push any image of this “golden child” that I wanted the world to accept.
When you look at me, what do you see? Do you see someone who loves themself unconditionally and exudes natural confidence? Or do you see me? At times, I feel on top of the world and then the pendulum swings and I’m reminded of how I felt in the basement in 2015, insignificant and insufferable. If I don’t validate myself, the world’s brutality will make me feel…inadequate. I learned no matter who supports me or what compliments are given, none of that will matter if the feeling doesn’t initially come from within. I believe everyone lacks confidence in their youth because it must be built from nothingness.
WHAT’S HAPPENING BROTHER
Both Fall and Winter consisted of many necessary trials that would lead me into being exactly who I needed to be to thrive today. Days before dropping Fall ’21, I was given notice that by the end of the week I would need to pack my bags and live elsewhere. So I began packing with no idea of where I'd go, but I knew I would figure it out. I couldn’t find a job and my housing situation grew more and more tenuous. Every week for three weeks, there was a new motel to call home. Come Sunday, my creator hit the reset button. I didn’t even have a dollar to my name when I got a call from my mom pleading for me to return home. The inevitable had come, I’d be descending into the pits of my personal hell. When I return somewhere I’ve been tormented, memories and reality slowly become intertwined and I regress into feeling like the version of myself that experienced said torment. To flee the pain, I went off the grid with no warning, no goodbyes, and once again no idea where I’d go. By the end of Winter, I relocated four more times and every time I thought I’d found stability, the illusion fell before my eyes. This led to me making an instrumental decision for my growth and peace of mind: taking an indefinite break from school due to burnout. I was excessively exhausted emotionally, physically, and mentally stressed.I was not tending to my garden, however, I put on a great act to keep those around me from worrying. I found myself smiling on days when it felt impossible. I grew up in an environment where I was forced to compartmentalize myself for survival. I managed. In hiding, I learned that it’s an act of self-love to be transparent with those you love about what you’re going through. To anyone reading this who struggles to do so, I understand and as cliché as it sounds, as you let it out it gets better.
ACT II: BLEEK TWEAKS
This segment is phenomenal, more specifically, that track 37 to track 40 run…INSANITY. That’s all need to say on that. *pats self on back and nods*
ACT III: BLEEK WEEPS
(When Lauryn say put that nigga in the back…you put that nigga inna back.)
Originally, I pushed all thoughts of him out and as a result, all creativity halted. I then heard the voice of Lauryn tell me that confronting your emotions is necessary and that the only way out of the negative emotions is through feeling them. You can try and numb the pain, but avoidance doesn’t heal wounds and that pain is still present, just dormant. Emotions are a natural instinctive state of mind deriving from one's circumstances, mood, or relationships with others and mine were a rollercoaster. Once I acknowledged this, I fastened my seatbelt and allowed “A.P.I.D.T.A” to catalyze the process. HOV speaks “I got numbers in my phone that'll never ring again” and continues “I got texts in my phone that'll never ping again, I screenshot 'em so I got 'em, I don't want this thing to end” encompassing where our relationship stood as the season began. If one were on the brink of tears, Jay Electronica’s verse comes in to deliver the final blow. Reflecting on those times, we were both looking to be saved by the other, a job that neither could complete because we needed to direct that energy inwards. Our separation allowed me the space to think about our relationship, how it panned out and how things affected me as an individual. I became aware that I was contributing to my pain by trying to make someone love me and felt ashamed but shame doesn’t heal pain either. I began feeling better with time and by processing emotions with a shrink and in turn, the opportunity to expand out of this cycle presented itself. He returned. Despite having reservations about granting him access into my life again, I did so because our love felt otherworldly and I trust my heart to lead me to its lessons. The difference this time was the chance was granted with intention; I’d commit myself to learning forgiveness and made it clear that under all circumstances this would be the final chance and so we reunited. The lesson was we should always love boundlessly, but never without boundaries.
WEIGHT OFF
Before ushering in the season finale, I took the time to review my year’s highlights and praise myself for the ways I’ve grown and changed for the better as well as speak life into my manifestations and goals for 2022. I briefly covered a few lessons learned, expressed gratitude for my blessings, and acknowledged that even what was not perfect at the time could be flipped in a matter of time. Though I was burdened with the weight of communicating many heavy emotions, I make it my duty to end these seasons with positivity, faith, and optimism for the future. I don’t have much else to say as the rest of this was for my enjoyment and those who listened and had lyrics resonate.
published August 11, 2022
