WHO WILL CRY FOR THE LITTLE GIRL?
(April 2021) Thoughts and Feelings:
Who will cry for the little girl who cries herself to sleep? Who will cry for the little girl who only knows hurt and pain ? Who will cry for the little girl who cries inside of me?
I can’t sleep. It's hard to breathe.
I feel like dying. But all I can do is cry.
I’m Frustrated. Angry. Sick.
Literally vomiting. I’m so disgusted.
My dreams are over. My life is over. Why not just give up?
I have no power. I am weak. I was strong before this.
But tonight, I am weak.
In my head, I relive the same truth over and over again: I was sexually assaulted by somebody I know and trust. The same somebody who stood behind the camera to capture my beauty. The same somebody who stood behind me at my weakest moment months later pushed me down to sexually assault me. I feel disappointed with myself. I began to feel this strong connection with younger me and she is broken, she is crying. She is hurting and confused. She has been here before. No one cared. No one cried. She revisits again. Will it be the same ?
(May 2021) Thoughts and Questions:
Who will cry for the little girl who dreams big dreams that now feel just out of her reach? Who will cry for the little girl broken and abused? Who will cry for the little girl, the girl inside the woman ? Who cries inside of me?
I feel like I am losing my mind. I am sick. I’m so sick. Omg, am I pregnant? Can depression make you feel this way? God please don’t let me get pregnant by a man who fucking assaulted me. *buys a test* *checks it*. Okay, I'm ok. I’m still not mentally okay. He has to pay. I’m so scared. He’s powerful and connected. Here I am… just getting started. What will happen if I expose him on my own? Who will believe me? What will happen to my dreams? God, I just wanted to model. It’s still so hard to sleep!! When I can sleep I wake up screaming sometimes. I just want to sleep. He preyed on me, what the fuck. He saw my weakness. He saw I was quiet and an outcast in that room and he used my silence to prey on me.
(June 2021) Thoughts and Occurrences:
I am healing slowly from this. Well, at least I’m trying to. Someone sends a post to me “…. is being exposed for assaulting multiple women” a tweet on twitter. My friend said “This is him, the guy you were talking about, he’s crazy and fucking disgusting, you were never wrong.” I am shocked. I feel for the other women. I am glad to be able to tell my story, along with the other women. Now I’m angry all over again. Who was there for these women when they suffered? Who will be here for me now that I have to relive this all over again? I feel my anxiety rise to the roof. All my life I lived a private lifestyle and now I know what I must do and I hate it for my anxiety. I have to put this out. I go to my instagram. In less than 20 mins, I undergo a transformation from the most private person to the center of a public spectacle . I can’t even recognise myself. But it has to be done right? So I can heal, so other women can heal,and for my younger self to be proud of my strength. So many views from people I never knew. Omg. I’m having a panic attack. Kiya, breathe. Just breathe.
(August 2021) Realization:
Wow, I really had to say fuck my anxiety and put all of my business out there. I never really cared about what others think about me. But now that’s all I could think of. All I want to do is be taken seriously as a model. I don’t want my assault to define me or to attach itself to my legacy. Is this the end of the legacy I was trying to build? What’s next for me?
(Jan 2022 NYFW) Wins:
I will cry for the little girls. That girl who once was me.
I won. What the fuck, I won. Okay, so this is what happy tears feel like. I love it. I want to feel more of this consistently. I’m literally looking at myself in Vogue, Paper, NY Times etc. The place I was at mentally a few months ago was full of defeat and fear; powerless and depressed For a moment I gave up. What is for you will never leave your side. It will never allow you to stray away either. I hold my own power to win. I won. No more fighting myself I won… I won. This win will not be my last and neither will these tears.
published July 22, 2022
