Recently, I've been contemplating doing something incredibly stupid in the name of love.  Maybe I’m just curious to know what would happen if I were to do something I told myself I would not do. I feel like you can get away with doing stupid or impulsive things if you say they were done in the name of love. I read somewhere that we’re currently in a Mercury Retrograde and though I’m not the most well-versed on astrology, I know that some astrologers say beware of exes returning during them. If I were looking for an excuse, I could use that knowledge to my advantage and use it as my reason for calling him. But do I want to be that ex? “It wasn’t me T, it was the planets” *shrugs.*I'm not sure if I want to call or if I, like boylife, just would like to know who he is aching for when he dreams. I hope it’s still me. When I hear boylife’s “Peas” I hear the series of questions I’d ask him on our hypothetical phone call. “What do you keep from me in your silence? How have you been coping since we last spoke? What songs do you sing when nobody is watching?" How about when you grieve me? As I grieve the loss of what I believe to be my first love, I find myself wondering what mourning looks like for him these days. Peas is the saddest song that I’ve felt in a while, but it reassures me that love was present between us in the past. And that the love still lingers in some form. Maybe, for just a moment, I’ll allow myself to live in this dream where I’m careless enough to make that call.

“No Love” by Lyves sets the scene for this dream. It’s an early morning in January of 2024, I hear birds singing softly in my backyard and I remember you’re gone. I impulsively reach for my phone and tap call on your contact, to my surprise you answer this time. As I watch the call connect I smile and begin to speak with Lyves “It's been two years, I keep calling. I'm standing here and I ain't got you.” You try to restrain yourself from smiling but end up rolling your eyes realizing that I’m once again singing a song you don’t recognize, just like I would in the past. I wonder what made you answer now of all times that I called in between the two years, but I’d never ask such an unimportant question. Instead, we start talking at the same time only for me to stop and tell you to continue. You go on and tell me that you remember what day it was and I too would acknowledge the date in a somber voice. Before getting too emotional, I swiftly steal Tyler Cole’s “After You Cry” lyrics to ask “Do you ever think of me sometimes? Do you ever even see the signs when they pass you by” You tell me they’re still unavoidable like they always were and that eases my anxieties. You’d then sing “Well…you can hit me later right after you cry.” Slightly annoyed, I laugh and silently enjoy having you on the other line for the first time in what feels like forever. And before anything could ruin the moment I’d hang up. As I come back to Earth from this alternate reality I begin tearing up. 

I’m beginning to wonder what’s the worse thing that could come from me making that call. It may be the embarrassment that would follow if you don’t answer or the disappointment that would come when you don’t stick to the script. Or worse, I’m blocked and I hear an automated voice rather than yours. . Instead of making a regrettable decision I queue up “Tears Away (Interlude)” by Faith Evans and tell myself I have until the end of the song to wipe my own tears and get it together. As I clear my face of tears, I recite a single line from Billie Eilish’s "Getting Older." “Can't shake the feeling that I'm just bad at healing.” Internally, questioning why it’s taking so long for me to move on. I remind myself of the cliché saying "healing isn’t linear" and that I've never felt anything like that so it may take some time to recover. Instead of judging myself, I allow myself to live in the past and look at the videos/memories like The Marias did before making “Calling U Back.” As I grieve what's now dead and gone I hear Tierra Whack's voice from the beginning of “Sorry” speaking to me. “Niggas, they always gonna be there.” There's no shortage of options so don’t return to one who wasn’t everything you wanted and deserved just because you can see the good in them. I’m sorry Kareem, for almost betraying you and going back on my word.

-Mr. Atlanta Bleek 

published June 3, 2022