IF

A white ambient light from the vending machine diffuses the darkness and puts a steely aura onto my brown skin. I insert three quarters, 75 sparkling cents, into the vending machine and press “A34.” The metal coil twists and releases a tiny cellophane wrapped package. The package drops into the waiting area below, I squat down and fish it out. The wrapping, colorful and poppy, “GUARANTEED 100% SILENCE!!!” I finger the contents inside from the outside before ripping the seal on the corner and dumping both pills into the palm of my hands. I throw the pills into my mouth and wash it back with a swig of Mucho Mango Arizona Tea. I like to call it tranquility for $1.74. All of the noise around me: the kid bumping Young Nudy’s newest mixtape a few feet away from me, cars falling in and out of potholes, the bees whizzing around my ears, the birds singing in the trees, and even the soft hiss of the gentle breeze all descend from a scream to a whirring hiss to a murmur to absolute silence. If only it could always be like this.  

PROBABLY 

I hear nothing, not even the pitter patter of my own feet as I ascend the stairs back into my apartment. I left the TV on before I walked out to get my silence pills and it’s a bit disconcerting to see the images move without any sense of auditory completion to their movements. I turn off the TV without so much of a “click” before collecting my scarf from the rack attached to the door. I can’t pray with the TV on. I wrap my scarf around my head in hijab fashion, carefully tucking my hair beneath it. I grab my prayer rug and lay it down before me. I mutter the Adhan to myself. I mutter the Iqamah to myself. I begin my prayer, unable to hear the mistakes of my American tongue on the Arabic tajweed. Aside from that, my prayer is similar to any other prayer I've ever had. I have never heard God’s voice, whether it be in a prayer or otherwise. 

MAYBE

Maybe to hear him, I need to mimic his silence. I refuse to accept God’s apathy. I finish my last rakat, turning to my head to each muted side. I can feel God’s eyes on me, yet I hear nothing. Nothing at all.

🦋

published June 03, 2022