Perfect moments exist. The joy that comes from hearing children’s laughter, catching the sunset over the ocean as it rests just atop the horizon, the first bite of a tasty meal, a hug from someone you  haven’t gotten a hug from in far too long, or that feeling you get when you accomplish something you really thought you couldn’t. Millions of other moments come into our lives everyday. While I frequently emphasize that nothing in this life is truly perfect, practicing daily gratitude allows me to soak in the moments closest to perfection. I guess you could say I am currently chasing those moments. 

I have been traveling “without a purpose” for the past three months. I really wanted to leave New York City and I decided Brasil would be my first stop and I just kept moving from there. I am now in Costa Rica despite having no initial plans to come here. I have an idea of what I would like my life to look like but the pandemic forced me to re-examine my goals. If the pandemic hadn’t happened, I would have  probably worked my way up the corporate ladder and maybe pivoted into tech like I wanted to. Instead, I live an unconventional life, an employee to no one but myself. I have a lot of freedom but it’s safe to say that my life is far from perfect. Every day of my life looks different , I have no routine. I like being spontaneous. I like randomness. I like unplanned adventure. I like seeing where the day takes me. I could start my day in a crowded city and end it high in a secluded  cabin in the mountains- in fact, I did that when I was touring remote tribes in Ethiopia last summer. I like to think that I just exist in search of constant joy. I am always looking to top my experiences. 

I never thought I would become a solo traveler but I found myself on this path in search of myself. Many people have dream lives. I used to but now I just have a dream state of being, existing in a state of continued happiness and tranquility. Anything and anyone that does not bring me those two things has no place in my life.

Although I had a rough plan of what I wanted my travels to look like initially, I abandoned them when I found Rio de Janeiro. A two week trip turned into a seven week stay. I walked the streets of Rio like a local despite  barely understanding  Portuguese. It is a very difficult language to pick up on, in my opinion. It didn’t matter that I didn’t speak Portuguese because people were friendly and patient with me in ways that I rarely experience when I am in America.

I was enthralled by the magic of the city. I still tell people “there is no place like Brasil,” and I mean it. I spent my days split between different types of environments. At first I stayed in a bohemian neighborhood flooded with artists. When I felt the need for change, I found myself on Copacabana Beach, one of the most famous beaches in the world and for good reason I got stuck in a routine of waking up and spending everyday at the beach. I felt no desire to leave Rio.  No place ever really feels like home to me, yet this new city felt like the closest thing I could find. . Each day on the beach. I was greeted by the same rotation of Senegalese street vendors who annoyed me deeply. I could not escape them nor did I feel compelled to, even though the harassment was persistent. Even though  they all flirted with me, I was comforted to see people who shared my culture in this foreign city. I never felt like a stranger in Rio; it’s hard to feel that way in an environment you blend seamlessly into. Even when I told people I didn’t speak Portuguese, some thought I was trolling them. 

The water at Copacabana was not inviting yet I found myself in it for hours. Every time I put my body in the nearly freezing water, I was a victim to  the huge waves. I was hurled left and right by the aggressive waters. I remember a tourist telling me he’s seen two people enter the water and not come out. The thought of immersing myself in the ocean and not emerging from it spooked me but didn’t deter me. I didn’t go any deeper than waist length and made sure to avoid the sea at night when the waves would jump six feet high. I love Virginia Woolf but I did not want my life to end like hers. Every time I was wiped away by a wave, I just got up and laughed, and then I jumped back into the water. I enjoyed when  the sea seized control of my body. Sometimes strangers would grab me as they saw my body roll uncontrollably and we would share a laugh when I got back on my feet. The ocean is enticing to me. I fear it because I do not know it, but I love being consumed by it. I feel the most alive when I am swimming in the water. I also connected to my inner child in those moments.

I have received a lot of advice about reconnecting with my inner child in order to find “happiness,” and from my experience so far, I have found it to be illuminating. . When I think about what brings me joy, the activities and hobbies I loved doing as a child come to mind:reading, writing, & playing outside are just a few of them. I couldn’t tell you if I am having more fun as an adult or as a child because the world is always hard for black girls and black women, but I am doing my best to enjoy this life. 

I chase pleasure and happiness because they are the closest things to perfection. Kim Catrall once said, “I don’t want to be in a situation for even an hour where I’m not enjoying myself” and that is now my new mantra for life. What is the point of life if you are not enjoying it? Time is so precious because it truly isn’t promised. No one knows how long they have on this earth and while the world is a very shitty place, that shouldn’t stop us from making the best of our experience with our limited time.

I wake up everyday wondering how I can improve my life while having the time of my life. If I wake up sad about something, which happens sometimes because I am human, I find a way to better my day. I am not into being consumed by my emotions nor am I into letting anyone ruin my day. I will continue to chase perfect moments and indulge in my pleasure and happiness, unknowing of where my chase will take me next. 

☪︎

published March 12, 2022