AN ISOLATED MIND

It’s both dazzling and hypnotic, inviting me into the comfort of my own arms and away from the company of others. I flourish in the silence and stillness of my being, where my thoughts are clear and concise, free from the chaos of my surroundings. Chaos born from the eyes of my peers who — whether intentionally or not — inject their misplaced thoughts into my mind. Once inside, they come alive and taint my own understanding of the universe and most importantly myself. Their thoughts collide with mine and a fight ensues to see whose judgment is to be believed by my subconscious. Although I’m the victor, the remnants of that back-and-forth are lodged in the quiet corners of my brain and manifest themselves as my loud, critical inner voice. So, I retreat back into the familiarity of my solitude, where peace becomes me if only for a fleeting moment. 

Although I’d love to believe that I can keep my thoughts in a constant state of harmony by choosing seclusion, I underestimated how damning that withdrawal from the outside could be. Time alone with my thoughts steadily transformed my inner peace into turmoil. My self-imposed seclusion soon became a damaging isolation, where my observations of self spiraled out of my control. I had always been under the perception that solitude is to be cherished and it is — to a certain extent. As crowded as my mind feels with the differing narratives of my peers, it feels just as cramped with my own self-criticism. Perhaps worse as I’m absolutely alone. In my isolation my mind magnifies the minor observations my inner voice continuously makes; spotlighting past mistakes, decisions and remarks. It creates a detrimental cycle of rumination.

While there is beauty in spending time alone, the ugliness of it seeps through and contaminates my mind just as much as when I’m overly exposed to outside opinions. 

With that in mind I’ve come to realize that my peace of mind lies away from the extremities of both isolation and exposure, and instead resides somewhere between the two. Mastering that balance is a feat I have yet to achieve. Breaking the cycle of rumination from both situations is another struggle in itself. It has required me to carefully look within myself — without sparking another round of over-analysis — and formulate an understanding of my own mind. I  needed to find the part of me that forces me to internalize all thoughts, both internal and external. In attempting to decipher the complexities of my thought process I’ve come to the realization that my excessive rumination — whether provoked by my own warped words or that of others — stems from my desire to embody perfection and that it thrives in my own blurred boundaries. 

In constantly pursuing perfection I remain stagnant in the present, solely focusing on how I could’ve maneuvered a past situation differently. I never arrive at a resolution that satisfies me; in my eyes I’ll never measure up to the expectations my mind lays out for me and in that lies the architect of my rumination and consequently my isolation. Granting myself endless bouts of time to rehash the past repeatedly speaks not only to my anxious tendencies but also to the fickle boundaries that I’ve built for myself. I am the bearer of my thoughts and I should have a better grasp on the words that swim through my mind but instead I allow them to flood it, drowning me in the process. The foreign thoughts storm the floodgates of my mind, allowing anyone to navigate the turbulent waters of my thoughts and release bits and pieces of their own psyche into mine. 

But as I begin to recover from my bouts of isolation, picking up the pieces from myrumination, I learn to build stronger boundaries with both myself and others. I learn to venture into solitude without becoming a recluse. I’m slowly but surelygrasping that my own solitude does not have to result in my misery and neither do the mindsetsof my peers. Ultimately, it is my desire that I’mable to coexist peacefully with my observations, allowing them to intermingle with the perceptions of others — without shadowing my own. Once my mind strongly resides in that balance consistently, I’ll understand just how peaceful my subconscious can be.