I was searching for an escape from my mundane daily routine when I discovered meditation. I  was marooned at a boarding school in a small Massachusetts town, so small that whenever  anyone asked me where I went to school, I was always met with a “huh?” Nobody knew where Southborough, Massachusetts was and to be honest, I wouldn’t be able to point it out on a map if I was offered a million dollars. It was  a small town by definition. The most exciting thing about it was the town square, highlighted by a small family pizza shop & ice cream shop. 

I would tell people that Southborough was “about 45 minutes from Boston,” after my “Southborough,” answer was met with confusion. It’s  always easier to attach an unknown place to a major city for geographic reference. I have met a lot of New York residents who claim that they're from the city until I tell them I’m from Harlem and then they actually tell me where they’re from. I had no attachment to Southborough though. I chose to go to boarding school in the middle of nowhere and while I regretted my decision, I had no reason to feel shame for a town I had no roots in.

Real boarding school is nothing like Zoey 101. The rules are strict and the freedom is minimal so I created my own freedom in the most random moments. My freedom  came from walking to the ice cream shop after sports practice, sneaking off to the gym during study hall, & skipping mandatory weekly chapel sometimes just to sleep in. The risks that came with creating freedom were great, but the cost of getting caught were even greater. Punishment meant  detention which meant  labor. One time I found myself peeling carrots with the school chefs while my classmates walked by me. It was humiliating but the freedom I had earlier in the week was worth this brief moment of shame.

My favorite form of freedom was found on Tuesday nights in the middle of study hall. I would ask my resident advisor for permission to go to meditation. Tuesday meditations were how I found bliss on that miserable campus. When my advisor said yes, a wave of relief would rush over me. Study hall felt like prison and any escape from the two hour mandated homework time was pleasant. 

I would race down the old rickety wooden steps,through the long hallway, bust through the black double doors that led to the English wing, and slow down once I reached the chapel. I wasn’t religious by any means but it felt wrong to run in there. The chapel was a bit eerie in the night time but I knew there was nothing that could hurt me. The crypt, the place where meditation took place, was at the end of the chapel. There was a small dim light in the narrow staircase leading to the  crypt. Sometimes I felt like I was in a Nicholas Cage movie when I traveled down to the crypt. There were cool tunnels connected to it that my friends and I sometimes explored on the weekends. 

Beyond the brown wooden door, was a magical place decorated with candles and red throw pillows. Once I entered, I waved at the chaplain. He was a man with a kind face and a full ginger beard. The meditation room was filled with male varsity athletes who consistently came to escape study hall just like myself. I still wonder if any of them enjoyed meditation or just enjoyed escapism. Whatever it was, I saw the same boys every week for the entirety of the year.

When everyone was settled, Tibetan music would fill the entirety of the hollow room. The bells bounced off the walls  and into my ears. My ears rang but I enjoyed the sensation; it was a nice contrast to the silence I endured during study hall. Although I was physically in the crypt, I felt my body floating in what seemed to be another dimension. I was able to disconnect from the space I was in and hone in on nothing. Thinking about nothing gave me clarity. 

Meditation was transformative. Those 15 minutes practicing my breathing as I listened to the sound of horns, bells, and drums provided me with an escape to a place that was alien to me until my first meditation, a safe space in my mind. Prior to that, my mind was a place that haunted me. I was an undiagnosed depressed teenager who struggled with spending time alone because the thoughts that accompanied me in my solitude were enough to make me fearful of my own company. 

In a meditative state, time froze. If I had a difficult day, the difficulty subdued in those moments. All negative emotions temporarily evaporated and things were perfect. There are many different forms of meditation but I was trained to focus on nothing. I never knew honing in on nothingness could take away so much of my pain and frustration but when I think about Buddhism & its principles, it now makes a lot of sense.

In Buddhism, there are four noble truths. Here are the truths as explained by Melvin McLeod on Lion’s Roar:

1. Suffering

Life always involves suffering, in obvious and subtle forms. Even when things seem good, we always feel an undercurrent of anxiety and uncertainty inside.

2. The Cause of Suffering

The cause of suffering is craving and fundamental ignorance. We suffer because of our mistaken belief that we are a separate, independent, solid “I.” The painful and futile struggle to maintain this delusion of ego is known as samsara, or cyclic existence.

3. The End of Suffering

The good news is that our obscurations are temporary. They are like passing clouds that obscure the sun of our enlightened nature, which is always present. Therefore, suffering can end because our obscurations can be purified and the awakened mind is always available to us.

4. The Path

By living ethically, practicing meditation, and developing wisdom, we can take exactly the same journey to enlightenment and freedom from suffering that the buddhas do. We too can wake up.

Number 3 is my favorite truth because it introduced me to the belief that “desire is the root of all suffering.” A lot of what hurts us in this life can be traced back to our desires.  When I think about the things or experiences that hurt me most, they can almost always be traced back to having a desire for something or someone that was not meant for me.

It would be a lie to say we could get rid of all of our desires but we most definitely can re-center our minds and focus  on other things. I am currently working on detachment. I find that when you learn how to detach from people and places, life gets much easier. I have let go of my expectations of others in order to ease my experiences. When I don’t expect much from others, I am met with less disappointment when the relationship ends or doesn’t go my way.

Besides escapism, meditation proved to be a grounding experience for me. Many people think meditation is just sitting still and practicing deep breaths but it’s way more than that. There are many different ways to do it. Meditation can be done in bed or even standing/walking. My favorite form so far has been walking through the park during the spring and summer. During walking meditation, I hyper focus on one topic and spend my allotted twenty minutes reciting whatever mantra I decided on that morning.

Thich Nhat Hanh’s book You Are Here, taught me how to put my worries to the side and to stay within the present moment. I learned to accept that the past can’t be changed and that there was no reason to stress the future because it was out of reach and hadn’t happened yet. I was mostly fascinated by the fact that there  were people in the world who were committed to living in the present moment. It seemed like nothing troubled them and I know that to be untrue but I was in dire need of achieving a similar level of balance, peace, & prosperity.

Making these changes initially was difficult for me at first because I was one of the most cynical people I knew at the time. I saw the world and life through a broken lens. My past was harrowing and constantly thinking of it kept me in a state of distress. I didn’t think of the future much because the idea of “better days,” felt like a myth but still I tried to meditate to recreate the perfect state I found myself in when I escaped to the crypt during my high school days.

I was with two of my female friends who had embarked on a spiritual journey. They both had one thing in common: they practiced daily meditation and were able to have transformative experiences through regulating their breath and suggested I lean more into it.

Aside from the escapism I sought out during study hall, I never really found myself taking time in my personal day to meditate until my friend invited me to a class.

I met her on a brisk winter day in Midtown and walked to the second floor of an unnoticeable building in the middle of the street.

My friend and I took our shoes off and sat next to each other. The class started shortly after with the instructor chanting a mantra about an open heart. This meditation was focused on clearing the heart chakra, something that can’t be done in one day of course but a start was better than nothing at all.

After that meditation, I found myself reading more of Nhat Hanh’s teachings, eager to teach myself more about establishing inner peace, avoiding conflict, and grounding myself. 

I know my therapists were fundamental to most of my transformations but I can say with confidence that my determination to achieve the perfection I found in my monk-like state kept me focused. I wanted to be better in general so I kept reading and kept meditating. 

I don’t meditate everyday but I do it consistently. My favorite time to meditate is early in the morning when the world feels still and the quiet is extra comforting. I close my eyes & take myself out of this world to meet my higher self. I listen to everything she tells me as I tune out the world.I learn from her every time I shut my eyes or take a stroll through Central Park.

Recently, I have been asked a lot about how I regulate my anger and how I control my emotions. My answer is always therapy and meditation. When I find myself angry to the point where I feel like exploding, I breathe. A few deep breaths and I am reasonable again. I am reminded that everything outside of me is small.

☪︎

The Four Noble Truths excerpt is pulled from writings by Melvin McLeod on Lion’s Roar, published March 12, 2018.

published March 26, 2022