If you asked me about my what my “perfect” life looks like, I would not be able to paint a specific image. In broad strokes, I would be able to tell you the feelings I would like to feel: joy, thrill, pleasure. I’d be able to tell you what I seek and what I'd like to achieve, a summary of things that would make my life easier. Things like good health, more money than I actually need, a house that I own, a loving partner, healthy relationships, and a successful writing career. I dream of these things frequently. I work towards attaining them everyday. Sometimes I fault myself for not working harder or faster but I know that things are going exactly how they should. As badly as I want to reach my aspirations as soon as possible, I am a true believer in divine timing. At the same time, I know that I would’ve been able to check more things off my goals list if I was just a little more motivated, disciplined, and dedicated. 

Procrastination has been my best friend for a long time. It is hard for me to complete tasks in the moment because I am always telling myself that “later” exists. I use time as a distraction and I know that each time I tell myself “later,” I am doing myself a disservice by robbing myself of my own time. Procrastination does not make much sense because when you put stuff off, you are leaving the possibility of things never happening. There are no guarantees in telling yourself “later,” only unfulfilled promises.

Last weekend, I ran into a guy selling coconuts in Williamsburg. I was a bit apprehensive and walked by him. But I couldn’t stop thinking about the coconut so I turned around and approached him. “I was going to circle back but I just decided to come get one,” I told him.

“You know,” he paused. “Whatever you can do today, make sure you do it today. Tomorrow is not promised,” he said to me as he copped open the top of the coconut.

“I know. That’s some very good advice,” I replied. It was not the first time I heard that saying before. My father used to say it to me all the time, mostly when he needed me to complete a task for me. He would always ask me “why tomorrow? why not today if you can do it today?”

Sometimes my procrastination is rooted in laziness but often it’s rooted in the search of perfection. I get deep in my head and psyche myself out about my creations. I wonder if they will be any good, then I stall myself, and end up with absolutely nothing. I want everything I produce to be the best. Eventually I accepted that my goal of perfection  served no purpose in my life but to deter me from actually creating. While I thought I was aiming for perfection in my projects, I was truly procrastinating out of fear of rejection. The thought of pouring my heart into projects that might be disliked or hated scared me. 

I am my biggest critic, so above all, I am most afraid of disappointing myself. I have let go of the idea of perfection  in my creations. I am not aiming for that anymore. I simply just want to create. If I am well-received, I will be grateful. If I am not, I will still create. 

Aside from failure, the possibility of watching my life pass me by and my dreams never getting past “what if…” frightens me. I no longer even ask myself “what if?” I’d rather just come up with an action plan and see what I can do to get my plans in motion.

☪︎

published April 30, 2022