Before & After (4 of 24)
January 26, 2021
It has been one year since Kobe Bean Bryant and Gianna Maria Bryant passed away. But that’s not what I’m ready to write about. Not yet. Maybe not ever again. The feelings are still too raw or not raw enough. Basketball hasn’t felt the same. I haven’t felt the same. Everything is now before and after. In moments filled with so much loss, I’ve realized it is my responsibility, as a human being, to grasp happiness. For as long as a can. It’s mine. I can own it, these feelings, because maybe nothing else is. There is a moment concerning Kobe Bryant that I want to write about. Share my thoughts, before and after.
Game 1 of the 2009 NBA Finals. Los Angeles Lakers vs Orlando Magic. Kobe finished with 40-8-8 on 16-for-34 shooting. It was his best scoring performance throughout his 7 NBA Finals appearances. But that is not why this game is seared into my memory. I was 13 years old at the time, I had not been watching basketball through my own volition for very long. I was almost a year removed from the 2008 NBA Finals Game 6 drubbing by the Boston Celtics(1). Emotionally, I hadn’t received any of Kobe’s first three championships with Shaquille O’Neal by his side(2). Not really. Those winning years came to me inorganically, as real as a dragon. No different from a myth, something I wanted to be true, so desperately but it ultimately wasn't. A rumor. Hearsay. Fiction. History.
As a fan, I wasn't privy to any championship experiences. I felt like that was going to change. I liked our chances against anyone but I had hoped to see LeBron James and the Cleveland Cavaliers make the Finals, just so Kobe could kick his ass(3). The Cavs didn’t make it(4). The Orlando Magic didn’t strike any particular fear or excitement into my heart, but Kobe being there was enough to get my heart racing. He was concentrated greatness, an act of precision and aggression. Kobe knew what needed to be done. He was focused. He wasn't nervous. I wasn't nervous, how I get now. I wasn't anxious, I was sure(5).
There is a stretch in the 3rd quarter of Game 1 of the 2009 NBA Finals, when I truly realized how great Kobe was(6). The exact moment in which I realized Kobe was the best basketball player of all time. From 4:30-3:17, it goes like this:
Kobe Dunk
Hedo Turkoglu Missed Jumper
Kobe Middy(7)
Orlando Magic Turnover
Kobe Bryant And-1 Bucket off the glass
Kobe “Motha Fucking” Bryant snarls(8)
Recalling this sequence is almost like remembering my first breath. A revelation of truth. But more importantly, an understanding. Kobe didn’t owe me anything else after that. Yet, I got it. I got it all. Cheo Hodari Coker once said in SLAM Issue 24(9) released in 1998, “Kobe Bryant lives and dies with every game. That’s just the nature of legends in the making.” 11 years later, I feel as though that was the moment he finally lived through, even if he seldom gave a smile postgame(10). Even if he was already stamped, even if he was already the best player in the NBA. My Kobe wasn't anyone else’s. 23 years later, I realize Kobe was more prepared for his death than I could ever be. A few weeks after Game 1 of the 2009 NBA Finals, he won his fourth championship. My first. A few months ago, LeBron won his fourth championship, my third. It was the first championship I felt like I needed, since my first. I told myself it was for Kobe, but maybe it was for me. I lost something 365 days ago and it stayed lost for quite some time. The championship felt like it bookended an emotional arc, I had finally grown my spine back and now I was ready to move on! But that was a lie. The next day came and went and the day after that came and went and more confusion followed. I learned that joy can be empty.
Kobe gave me a sense of security and faith that’s normally reserved for religion. I chose Kobe over logic and common sense, I was rewarded every time. He taught me to bet on myself and double fuck down(11). I subscribed myself to his belief in himself, and somehow that has carried onto me. Confidence emanates. Beyond basketball, beyond that moment. I believe in myself and love myself a bit more right now and Kobe Bryant is a reason. In life, that’s more than I ask for. Before, I thought Kobe was a basketball player and my hero. After, I know Kobe is a story as we all are. I can’t explain it or tell it the way I want. Not in a way that anyone would understand. I just keep watching Kobe snarl, over and over again. Words can wait for another day.
Footnotes:
FINAL SCORE: 131-92. BOSTON.
I knew whenever the Lakers won the championship, and Kobe was my favorite player but I didn’t watch the game.I did not know it or study it obsessively the way I do now. When I was a kid, the Lakers winning the championship was expected and just the way it was. I did not even know when they didn’t because I always knew they did. Until the 2004 Pistons happened that is.
Kobe vs LeBron has been won and lost a million times but has never been played once. The biggest on-court travesty in the history of basketball.
Euphemism for they choked.
Out of the three real contenders to make it out of the Eastern Conference, the Magic were probably the least interesting outcome. They definitely earned their opportunity, beating Boston and Cleveland. I just know most fans were left wanting for more.
Kobe was and is my favorite player. He scored 81 points in an NBA game. I knew I loved him. I knew he was the best. This realization was more in spirit rather than knowing.
This description undersells the difficulty of the shot. Dwight Howard’s outstretched arm shoots up into the sky just as Kobe releases the ball, Pietrus is on his hip. He dribbled into the jumper after grabbing the board. Swish. Designed to look effortless.
Mamba Face.
This was Kobe’s first SLAM Magazine cover story.
“Job finished? I don’t think so.”
Shoutout Philly Cheese.
